His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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