she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize