My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize