I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
