I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Use "feeling words"
Yay
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize