I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Everyone says I win the strip club
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You did what with his pubic hair?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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