we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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