i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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