I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
