Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
