If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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