I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i out mim tonsoeep
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