I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
