apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
