Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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