My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
