Kareoke will never be a sober sport
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize