this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
