Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
one might say we're banned from that church
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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