so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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