Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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