I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
