Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
