clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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