I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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