It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
