Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
