next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
