Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
