someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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