saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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