i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
