listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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