OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
