Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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