he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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