I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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