You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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