I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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