Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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