oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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