my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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