You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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