seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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