you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
