i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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