so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
