i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Two words: nipple clamps
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