so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
