saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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