He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize