I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
