The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
