if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
