it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
