dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
