i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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