I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
