ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
