I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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