I cannot find my penis.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize