you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
