doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
whose parrot is this?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
